i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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