Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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