im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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