she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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