And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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