I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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