I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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