I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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