I accidentally had phone sex last night
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
