I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
