i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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