Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
