just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
