he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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