you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
