Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
