Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
and she was petting her beer can
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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