Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
