If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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