He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
