see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
