Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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