and you said cock pushups were impossible
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
