thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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