I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
home. puking in laundry basket.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
