My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
