he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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