new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
