Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
