Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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