Your mouth is God's brothel.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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