I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
