Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
