I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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