He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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