It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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