I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
