I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
