apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
