I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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