I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
