It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
