I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
