I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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