Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
