I'm really into asian looking animals
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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