giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
