So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
