Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
