woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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