Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
