oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
