i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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