I molested 6 butterflies tonight
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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