I think I won the penis lottery.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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